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| From upper right clockwise: with my friend Eliezer smiling with me during Enigma (HS dance); with my classmates during sophie year (English Talk Fest) I was a princess; with Timothy and his UST headband, he's my last-minute drag-me-to-outbound partner (Outbound, Junior Year); with Aldrin and Anthony (freshie year) they are two of my closest friends, part of the "Yanig Brothers" as they are called by our terror math teacher; and finally, with Natanael during our sophie outbound. |
“Well my music was different in high school; I was singing about love—you know, things I don't care about anymore.”―Lady Gaga
“High school sucked. It was a universal truth, and whoever said these were supposed to be the best years of your life was probably drunk or delusional.” ―Kami Garcia, Beautiful Darkness
“High School is like a spork: it's a crappy spoon and a crappy fork, so in the end it's just plain useless.” ―John Mayer
“High school isn't a very important place. When you're going you think it's a big deal, but when it's over nobody really thinks it was great unless they're beered up.” ―Stephen King, Carrie
For the love of isolation
WHEN MOST of my current friends talk about high school, they often describe it as a short moment of their lives wherein they were neither too young, or too old. We're not too old to play dress up and not too young to spend late nights drinking with friends. Nearly perfect. A nearly-perfect blend of recklessness and responsibility, both (more often than not), hanging in a balance. But for me, high school is a different kind of memory, a gray and shady one.Needless to say, (if you've read my previous blogs), I was an isolationist. It's not that I hate the world or whatsoever, I just love the silence that being alone brings. I was also very stiff too. Always prim and proper, I only talk when I am asked or talked to (aside from recitations of course). I was very silent. I do not talk about much stuff and I used to like it that way. Sometimes I believe that one of the reasons why I wrote so much poems was because of this. I always put into writing all of my thoughts and feelings and I leave them cryptic.
Indeed, I was a weird dudette, like what James, my HS best friend, would say. And I loved it all the more.
This is my third blog entry. As you can see, it is really, really personal. The pictures can speak for themselves. These are the very people I hold very dear to my heart, then and now. Here, I will speak of one universal pain - marginalization. Of how I actually marginalized myself and to what extent I allowed others to marginalize me, you be the judge. Enjoy reading! ;)
Of early sweethearts, victories and failures
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| Left - right: with my Sophomore classmates during outbound. Late for school (our driver was really, really mad :)), my sister was trying out the new camera. |
But even though I was very isolationist, I was never bereft of good stories to tell. And I will be sharing some of them now :)
Indeed, there were happy/sweet moments of my life in HS, that would be the moments when I shared my subtle affections with very few people. However, being an isolationist as I was, our interactions were very, very minimal - like I'm a virus that must not be touched. It was through Friendster (yes, Friendster), through letters, presents, surprised dates and texts. That arrangement was weird but I loved it that way. Not because for some, it might be an opportunity to flirt but for me, it was a chance for me to gain confidantes, friends whom I emotionally trust. We were borderline sweethearts but not entirely. No heartbreak, no headache. Up to this day, I all have them as my closest friends. No messy fights or painful breakups - but an eternal sweet bond.
In relation to my pseudo-love life, there were moments when some people are just too bored to make sense of what they do. One time, during HS I was at the school grounds, and one of my sophomore classmates approached me and gave me a thumb-down sign. At first I did not get it but when I saw some of his friends (who were also my friends) laughing, it suddenly dawned upon me what had just happened.It was a gesture of disapproval towards me, in front of the seniors. I was borderline mad and lonely. I used to admire this dude for being so good in math but it turns out, he was a low-life jerk. Of course, I did not mention it to my parents. My father knows his parents and I was not in the mood to create animosity between families. That was our fight and I am determined to get back at him. You see, even if I was isolated, I was independent and strong. I never let anyone trampled upon me. I was a strong persona back then and I am still, now.
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| Top: doodle from our Biology teacher (and my Biology Quiz Bee mentor) written to my 2nd Quarterly Examinations; Below: letters I received when I was in Sophomore year |
So what did I do? I ignored him. When I was being teased to him, I always say that he does not even meet half of my standards and that was how I humbled him. Before Sophomore year ended, he gave me a sorry letter. But what he failed to realize was the fact that I keep grudges. There will always be a part of me that will forever hate him. That story was only a few of the many in my closet full of anger. I let time heal the wounds of the past, but just like how cliche goes, wounds leave scars that will forever remind you of the painful past.
Coincidentally, he was the first face I saw when I stepped into DLSU, at Andrew. And we were together at the elevator. He smiled at me as if there was no hint of bitter memory that had transpired between us. That was the moment when I started moving on from my hatred towards that boisterous, self-gratifying ego maniac. Well, almost.
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| My quarterly academic honors in HS. My previous school prefer it in print rather than in mint. |
My Marginalizations
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| I concentrated on things that make me happy, like art. Third year, Painting Competition |
First of, marginalization of self. By being an isolationist, I made myself a target of marginalization.
Of course, in a place and time where people are just starting to forge their identities, power play is not a distant and far-fetched realization. It was happening in more evil ways than I must share. Even though I know myself and I am strong enough as an independent girl, there were others who attempted to shake off my pedestal. Indeed, I have my moments of marginalization. Good thing, I was the fighter type. I did not live with these marginalizations, I fought them head on. It was not about the establishment of domination but rather, respect of territory and person. They might be able to do that to others but not to me.
Second, marginalization by others. Let's face it. There are people in existence who are really power trippers. They love gorging on faux power so long as it provides them their brand of faux exaltation. During my high school days, I have encountered lots of people who are like this. They use all that they have - brains, beauty and even popularity to establish their dominion and make others' lives miserable. In several moments, there was also class pride competition. It is not between individuals but rather, sections. I have first experienced this when I was in my Freshman year. My classmates and I bagged almost all awards for a play competition. I was able to take home the best director award and best play (which I also co-written with 2 others). We are not in the star section. And when they lost, bitter words were thrown at us - that we did not deserve it and many more. I received support from a handful of my teachers back then and that was enough. Ego tripping mixed with weapons of the weak. HS, we were growing old yet not as maturely so.
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| From left to right: my only decent picture during my First Honors Annual Recognition Day at DLSU; during our CWTS field exposure with VP Mushy; and, LR-37 taken on LPEP :) |
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